“Conversational narcissists always seek to turn the attention of others to themselves.”
Via The Art of Manliness:
Conversational narcissists always seek to turn the attention of others to themselves. Your first reaction to this statement is likely, “Oh, I don’t do that, but I know someone who does!” But not so fast. Conversational narcissism typically does not manifest itself in obviously boorish plays for attention; most people give at least some deference to social norms and etiquette. Instead, it takes much more subtle forms, and we’re all guilty of it from time to time. Everyone has felt that itch where we couldn’t wait for someone to stop talking so we could jump in; we pretended to be listening intently, but we were really focusing on what we were about to say once we found an opening.
Yes, you’ve done this. We all have. What’s it look like?
Support-Response
James: I’m thinking about buying a new car.
Rob: Oh yeah? What models have you looked at?Shift-Response
James: I’m thinking about buying a new car.
Rob: Oh yeah? I’m thinking about buying a new car too.
James: Really?
Rob: Yup, I just test drove a Mustang yesterday and it was awesome.In the first example, Rob kept the attention on James with his support-response. In the second example, Rob attempts to turn the conversation to himself with a shift-response.
Isn’t this a normal part of conversation? It depends:
To summarize, it’s fine to share things about yourself, as long as you loop the conversation back to the person who initiated the topic. The best rule to follow is simply not to jump in too early with something about yourself; the earlier you interject, the more likely you are to be making a play to get the attention on yourself. Instead, let the person tell most of their story or problem first, and then share your own experience.
And:
Once someone introduces a topic, your job is to draw out the narrative from them by giving them encouragement in the form of background acknowledgments and supportive assertions, and moving their narrative along by asking supportive questions. Once their topic has run its course, you can introduce your own topic.
Otherwise you end up being the jerk who thinks they’re the center of the universe.
Sometimes simple interactions can seem complex. There’s a whole science to charisma but the best, briefest and most bulletproof summation of how not to come across badly is from Dilbert creator Scott Adams:
Be brief and say something positive.
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This piece originally appeared on Barking Up the Wrong Tree.
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